If possi- ble, I should discover that part of me that likes to be controlled and I should fight against that as well as against the more superficial physical control permitted by the list.If possi- ble, I should discover that part of me that likes to be controlled and I should fight against that as well as against the more superficial physical control permitted by the list. As I say, it is convoluted. He wants me to search my own mind to look for these tendencies and see if I can bring them out, almost the way an actress looks within her own experience to find something to make a performance more convincing. It was clear from the turn our letters had taken that there is something there to find; he was sure of it. So am I, but I don't know what, exactly. (I have an inkling after last night.) But he didn't want acting; if what he was looking for just wasn't there, he didn't want me to pretend it was. Another convolution: Knowing that I was willing to do this for him became a kind of a second layer, a hidden backdrop to the more superficial physical aspects. Letting him know that I was doing this willingly--despite my superficial (but real) resistance (I told you it was convoluted)-- became another undercurrent. More than a second kind of submission, it was something akin to a gift that proved my love and trust, because it would necessarily be something voluntary that he could neither force nor control. Remember: all these psychological undercurrents are not reality; this is what he wants reality to be. I have no idea what it actually is. Maybe they are the same. Sort of. And of course, it has to be for him alone. He wants to know that. This is an ironic twist. My mother--and all my friends, too--always told me that the best way to keep a man is to make him think he might lose you: let him know that you can get another man any time you want. |