I know that shaving me doesn't sound subtle, but he would prefer to give me the superficial appearance of freedom if there were hidden chains holding me.I know that shaving me doesn't sound subtle, but he would prefer to give me the superficial appearance of freedom if there were hidden chains holding me. Best would be no restraints other than my own fear of embarrassment. Up to now I've had complete freedom to walk around the house and yard, but total inability to go out in public, whether it was chains, weights, lack of clothing, or the plastic torso that kept me home. Now it is my appearance that chains me. In public, my wig chains me, since he can always take it from me. While we lived in Chicago he studied martial arts. He drove an extra hour every Tuesday night to study judo rather than take karate within walking distance. He explained he prefers the "soft way" to force. Somehow it is more satisfying, he says. He is strong enough to overpower me easily, but he would prefer not to use strength and chains except as a temporary technical means to an unfettered but rigidly confined end. Invisible chains may or may not be the stron- gest, but J thinks they are the best, for some reason. Even as I write this down, the words sound unconvincing, and at the time I thought it was a line of bull. I'm still not sure. It was definitely hard to take at face value. I thought he was merely justi- fying what he had done, and that he had in fact done it simply in order to exert control over me. A power trip. But in this regard he has always been something of a mystery to me. He has been in a position to control other people a number of times, [partial professional record deleted] but even then, whenever possible without shirking his responsibilities, he refused to use the authority inherent in his position. He is genuinely more interested in personal self-understanding than in the public trappings of success. His desire for control has always been directed toward himself. So his desire to exert control over me has been a mystery. Unless he regards me as so much a part of him that I fall into a different category than the public. No, that's not it. I don't know. Anyway, his "will to power" (if you read your Nietzsche) is inwardly directed. So calling this a "power trip" for him may be a little unfair. Maybe. And of course it IS on the List. Still, this was one thing I just didn't think he would do. |