From Nurse Jones, I'm lost.From Nurse Jones, I'm lost. But now I know why. And it was ASB Therapy that helped. For me, reading and writing ASB posts is therapy. Not just a break from work, which I need desperately sometimes, but somehow writing stuff down clarifies it for me so I can deal with it. And hearing from you helps me to feel I'm not (a) weird, and (b) alone down here. Jay and I are very close, but he's really the only one I have since leaving Chicago. After a few weeks posting I'm as close to the ASB regulars as I am to the people I work with, and certainly more inti- mate than I have been with anyone but Jay. How much I post seems to depend on how bad things are going at work at the moment. I've said before that I'm not constitutionally suited to being a top. As I read back over an earlier post, I realize that a motherly attitude toward the bottom is NOT one that translates well into this role. But it's what I've got. I'm not sure Jay got anything out of it. He says he did, but he was such a stoic that he clearly didn't get what I did. I was so timid and afraid of hurting him that I didn't really do my job. Talk about a twisted relationship! I want to give up being a top, but my bottom won't let me. I'm supposed to be running the show, and I told him I was going to give him an order to top me, and he wouldn't. I said "Wait a minute. Who's in charge here anyway?" "You are," he says. "So top me," says I. "Make me." I'm not exactly a wilting violet, (more of a willing violet) but I don't like being a top. (Well, I do, I think, actually, but if I do it on my terms he won't enjoy it. It will seem like weak vanilla topping to him. ) 8ù) I have plans, but I know I'll go all soft once I have him all trussed up again. My attitude is that I have to do these things to him but my main job is to help him get through it. And he just seems to endure my timid fumbling as though he were waiting for a bus. None of the writhing histrionics that I went through. I don't know if I get through to him or not. He says I'm doing great. He says he knows what is going on in my mind and it turns him on. He says that when I put the gag in his mouth (back in List 15, I think. Which I never finished writing) he could see the changes of attitude on my face. |