"Raf! RAF PLEASE?" I shouted as I tried to break into his private world."Raf! RAF PLEASE?" I shouted as I tried to break into his private world. He shuddered and groaned from deep in his belly. Then he whimpered again. I realized that I had lost him. My dream started to fall apart from that terrible moment. Everything seemed so unimportant, everything except Rafael. "Please, Raf? Don't leave me! Please? I love you." I whispered. I was forty two years old and I started to cry. Rafael was my life now. Without him beside me, I wanted only to die. "Raf,.... please." I begged. The change in the boy's whimper was barely noticeable but it was there. I looked up slowly and in the dim light I saw a single tear trickle down the boy's cheek. He was crying, just as I was. "Raf,... please,... I love you," I pleaded. As I looked at him another tear formed and then another. Then slowly his endless whimpering ceased. He started to cry and his crying turned to sobs and he began to reach out to me. I took his hands in mine and held them tightly. "It's okay Raf. I'm here. I love you," I said boldly as I bravely squeezed on his little fingers. I began to stand up, pulling Rafael with me. He came up far enough so that I could reach down and lift him up into my arms. His head buried into my side as I carried him back down the hall and into my bedroom again. This was getting to be a habit. I lay down beside the boy and held him tightly against me. There was no passion in me and certainly none in the frightened little boy. I was not even aware of the boy's body. I wanted only to comfort him. If he had smiled I would have been the happiest person alive. I don't remember how long it took before his crying stopped but it was a very long time. It may have been an hour later before I became aware that he was looking at me. It surprised me. |