The butterflies in my stomach are getting out of control.The butterflies in my stomach are getting out of control. I haven't felt fear like this in a long time - a dread of something that is coming, but for which I have no frame of reference. It reminds me of when I was a child and did something wrong. I knew then that I would be punished - but I had no idea what form the punishment would take. Today, I know I'll be punished, too. I know it because it is part of what today is all about. But I have almost no idea what the punishment will be. Or even what I will be punished for. Perhaps I should start at the beginning... Several weeks ago, I broke up with my latest boyfriend. It wasn't because he wasn't handsome and successful (he was a tall, blond, WASP stockbroker who made well into six figures) or attentive (he brought me flowers, remembered birthdays and anniversaries, and shared the domestic drudgery) or fun (we had similar tastes in sports, movies and other things - and the money and time to enjoy them). The whole problem, in fact, had NOTHING to do with him. It was me. I was bored to death with my sex life. I've never had difficulty finding partners, as long as I have been willing, in a crunch, to settle for someone shorter than me. I'm six feet tall, exactly. I weigh 141 pounds, have dark brown hair down to my shoulders, and hazel eyes that seem to attract as much attention as the rest of me. At 38B,26,37 I'm a little too big to model - but I did manage to do a little commercial work when I was in college. That was twelve years ago. What faced me when I kicked Roger out was that I had never had a sexual partner who really excited me. He was as good, stable and strong in bed as he was out of it, but he didn't do any more for me than any other guy had. Not that I'm gay - my one (relatively recent) fling with an old college roommate said more about the fact that I wanted a change than it did about a lesbian bent. I've had no difficulty climaxing with the men I've been with, and I've sampled quite a few. But somehow they never seemed to treat me the way I wanted to be treated, and I never seemed to know what to ask for - so it was just more of the same, over and over. |