Journal Entry 186 / 0339 "You're really going to go to this?" P'nyssa asked, the shock in her voice as apparent and as painful as my decisions.Journal Entry 186 / 0339 "You're really going to go to this?" P'nyssa asked, the shock in her voice as apparent and as painful as my decisions. "Yes," I snarled back at her. "I'm going." "Ken," she said, softly, walking up behind me, her mitt on my shoulder, "It's just going to tear you up inside. Please don't." "Nyss," I said, trying hard to contain my anger, waiting for it to dissipate like it always does, "I have to. Maybe... maybe I can talk her out of it. I mean, she called me yesterday to tell me. Why didn't anyone else tell me? Goddammit, Nyss, it's not fucking fair!" I leaned against the dresser ledge, supporting myself by my arms; nor for the first time I felt like I was going to cry. "They are your rules," she said. "Just because they're fair doesn't mean I have to fucking like them, does it? Or is that too much to conceive of? Are all my rules, are all the rules the universe puts before us fair? Can't win, can't break even, can't get out of the goddamned game. That's what's not fair, P'nyssa. I don't like that. I fight it with everything I've got- that's what life is for." I sighed, wiped a tear from my eye. "Some people are not that strong." "But not Freya, you don't understand. Freya is one of the strongest, most self-determined people I've ever met. I can't believe she's opting out." "Then don't go. This is going to sound callous, but you haven't seen her for nearly thirty years... let that time go to tomorrow, then just keep extending it. It's not... it's not that hard." "Is that how you handle it?" "Sometimes," she send gently. Her mitt slid up along my throat, gently caressing me the way she knows will soothe me. "Sometimes." "I have to go," I said, turning to face her. Looking at her, at the hurt visible in her solid, yellow eyes, in her blue-furred face, I wondered how I would react to her tomorrow. After I watched Freya die. I arrived on the SDisk at 15:20 just as scheduled. |